The Flag, The Duke, and America's Team
This afternoon, the Seattle Seahawks will host the New Orleans Saints in a NFC Wildcard Playoff game. The Seahawks had a 7-9 record during the regular season, so there are some in the sports-watching community that are none too happy with a team with a losing record not only making the playoffs, but hosting a home playoff game as well. I’m here to tell those naysayers to go suck a lemon. The Seahawks belong in the playoffs and everyone should support them, not because they are a good team, but because they are America’s team.
Now some of you might be saying, “But Shawn? How can such a pathetic team be America’s team? I mean, they probably wouldn’t have won three games had they played in a division other than the NFC Worst.” That’s a good question, and a clever pun on the NFC West division name, but let me provide you with some reasons why the Seattle Seahawks are America’s Team.
- The Seahawks are mediocre: There is nothing more American than mediocrity. America ranks 17th in Democracy, 12th in Sexual Confidence, 31st in Nocturnal Safety for Women, 48th in Leprosy (is that good or bad?), and 21st in Happiness. Those are all some pretty mediocre randomly cherry-picked statistics.
- Loudness: Americans are loud. Our cars are loud. Our movies are loud. Hell, even though our TV shows are loud, we Americans still have to make our commercials even louder. You know what else is loud? Qwest Field is loud. And the Seahawks take pride in being loud, just as Americans should take pride in the Seahawks taking pride in being loud.
- Second Chances: America loves second chances. Can’t make it in another country? Come to America, where you’ll have the chance to live your dream. Want to murder dogs and play professional football? America will be mad at you for a little bit for the whole dog murdering thing, but as long as we can gamble on you, you’ll get your second chance. Even if you allow the worst terrorist attack on American soil and start two wars that the nation can’t afford, you’ll still get a second chance from America. Demonstrating their love for the American institution of the second chance, the Seahawks are coached by Pete Carroll, who had a fairly disappointing coaching run in the NFL before moving on to USC, where he fielded a very successful squad, mostly because of all the cheating and recruiting violations and whatnot. But despite the fact that Pete Carroll has shown that he can only be successful when given unfair advantages, the Seahawks said, “We don’t care if you’re a cheater! In fact, we could probably use some cheating!” and gave Carroll a second chance.
- Meaningless Gestures: Meaningless gestures are a great American tradition. We love bumper stickers, car magnets, rubber bracelets, and pretty much anything that makes it look like we support something, but without actually having to do something that might actually support our troops or cure cancer. Students stand for the Pledge of Allegiance every day. Congress slowly reads most of the Constitution, but doesn’t stick around to actually hear it read in its almost entirety. And the Seahawks, continuing this grand American tradition, fly the 12th Man Flag, as a meaningless gesture for the fans who have been paying more money for a large beer even though it contains the same amount of beer as a small. There are few things more American than paying lip service to a group of people then taking their money. It’s practically the foundation of American governance.
So you see webcrawlers and blog spammers who read this blog, the Seahawks have a lot in common with America. So instead of mocking them, or demanding a restructuring of the NFL’s playoff system, take some time today and root for the real America’s Team. Not the Dallas Cowboys with their cheap marketing gimmicks of giant video screens and titties. Not the New Orleans Saints with their coincidentally playing in a city that has suffered ridiculuous amounts of hardship over the last few years. The Seattle Seahawks, with their mediocrity, their disregarded for previous instances of corruption and incompetence, and their shameless pandering to an exploited fan base, are truly America’s Team. Go Seahawks!
